| Vol.
I, No. 3 | Winter
Solstice & Holidays | Dec.
15th, 2000 |
...
Ask Gola ...
Advice from Gola di Montagni Are
your kids driving you crazy?
Are you struggling in your marriage or
relationship?
Feeling guilty about something?
Having a problem with a
teacher or a student?
Not sure of the right thing to do? Well
... DownStreet can help {maybe}. DownStreet
magazine is pleased to be able to offer a valuable and free service to our
readers: Ask Gola. ... Gola di Montagni has graciously
offered to answer readers' questions, readers like you. Gola knows that,
especially these days, we all need all the help we can get. ... If
you have a question for Gola, e-mail her at askgola@downstreetmagazine.com. But,
without further ado ... Ask
Gola ...
This month: Questions from 'A Grinch
Depressed' & 'New Year Recluse' Dear Gola,
It’s
almost Christmas. Everyone around me is excited about the holidays. Music
playing everywhere I go. Parties, shopping, food. I know I should
feel the same way, but I don’t. Every year I get grouchy and tired of
Christmas and wish I could just hide till New Year's. My wife calls me a "grinch."
But that’s not it. I wish I could feel happy, but I feel sad and kind of
dead inside. What should I do to feel better and not ruin everyone else’s
fun? Signed, A Grinch Depressed. Dear Depressed,
If it’s any
comfort, though it probably isn't, you are not alone. Lots of people feel sad or
depressed around Christmas, even those who are busy celebrating.
You
asked two questions: how to feel better and how to avoid ruining everyone else's
fun. In some ways, the second question is simpler. Take part in as many of
the family activities as you can -- wrapping presents, decorating, etc. If
you think of it as a gift to your family, you might not feel the pressure to “have
fun.” As for how to feel better, that's obviously harder.
When a
holiday makes us depressed, it's often because it's associated with loss --
maybe of a loved one who used to be with us at Christmas, or of a tradition we
used to keep. If this is the case, then you should realize that there's
nothing unusual, much less wrong, with feeling sad at the loss. If it's a
tradition that's missing, talk it over with the family and see if you might not
be able to bring it back to life. On the other hand, if the loss was of a loved
one, then, difficult as it may be, you need to realize that Christmas and
holidays like it are a time of renewal. And it would be sadder still to think
that you're not present for the love I'm sure awaits you in the midst of your
family. It's not easy. Balancing the past and the present never is. But it is
worth the effort. I won't wish you a 'merry' Christmas under the circumstances.
But I will wish you this: peace. Take care, Gola. *******
******* Dear Gola,
My partner and I are very different.
Mainly, it works well. He’s very outgoing and social and I’m kind of an
introvert, I guess. New Year’s Eve is a big problem for us though, because he
really likes to go out to parties with lots of people and I really want to just
stay home, just the two of us and welcome the New Year together with a glass of
champagne and a romantic evening. What do you think is the right thing to do?
Signed,
A New Year’s Recluse Dear Recluse,
If you and your partner are as
different as you say, it's hard to imagine you haven't come across this conflict
on more occasions than New Year's Eve. I don’t know how you usually handle it,
but with these kinds of conflicts, there are only a couple of alternatives
really -- compromise or sacrifice.
Of course, these days compromise is at
least a little over-rated, and sacrifice has gotten an undeserved bad rep.
But what to do? Talk about what New Year’s Eve means to each of you. You
might find that you and your partner could come up with a compromise based on
what you discover. For instance, you could agree to go out one year and
stay home the next. Or you could begin the evening romantically at home,
then spend the rest of it among friends, or vice versa.
On the other
hand, one of you could yield (unless one of you is always the one to yield, in
which case, the real problem is not out-going vs. stay-at-home). If the
one who does can see the 'sacrifice' as a gift, graciously given, then the
relationship may end up gaining much more than is lost by being the one to let
go for a single evening, even if it is New Year's Eve. The real point, I hope
for both of your sakes, is this: No matter where you end up for New Year’s
Eve, the where will be far less important than the fact that you are together.
That seems to me like the best possible way to start the New Year. Happy
New Year, Gola. .
******* ******* Gola
di Montagni prefers to live a relatively anonymous life in the mountains around
Bristol. Gola is not a licensed therapist or similar
practitioner. Of Italian descent, Gola simply offers advice to those who
seek it, out of more than 50 years of life experience. Gola also wants
readers to know that "Gola is not infallible." In fact, one of
Gola's favorite quotes says: "If experience always led to wisdom,
there would be no such thing as an old fool, which is a contradiction of
experience." Of course, Gola's advice is always thoughtful, and it is
always given in the hope of helping. But those who write the letters must
always weigh Gola's advice against their own experience and judgment.
******* ******* If
you would like to Ask Gola a question, why not send it along to ...
askgola@downstreetmagazine.com
...
We'll be happy to pass it along.
Thanks. .
|
