...  Ask Gola  ...
Advice from Gola di Montagni

Are your kids driving you crazy?
Are you struggling in your marriage or relationship?
Feeling guilty about something?
Having a problem with a teacher or a student? 
Not sure of the right thing to do?

Well ...  DownStreet can help {maybe}.

DownStreet magazine is pleased to be able to offer a valuable and free service to our readers: Ask Gola.  ...  Gola di Montagni has graciously offered to answer readers' questions, readers like you.  She knows that, especially these days, we all need all the help we can get.

So, without further ado ...

Ask Gola ...
[If you have a question for Gola, e-mail her at askgola@downstreetmagazine.com.]

Dear Gola,
With the holidays approaching, I find myself dreading the endless parade of family and friends.  The truth is, if I had my way, I'd sit quietly at home and use as much of the holidays as I could to rest and read and enjoy my family.  But my husband looks forward to the holidays, and he loves to have friends and family over almost every night.  What can I do?
Signed, Worn Out in Shelburne.

Dear Worn Out,
Unfortunately, there's no simple solution, at least no one that will get you everything you seem to want and need.  And, though I'm not a great believer in compromises, since neither party usually ends up getting anything that's wanted, the holidays seem to be an exception

The ironic thing here may be that you probably both want the same thing, but have very different ways of getting it.  For most people, the holidays represent a time for the two R's, rest and rejuvenation.  But where for you that means a quiet, relaxing, simple time with your family, for your husband, it means the energizing experience he seems to get from lots of social contact during the holidays.

The best thing I can recommend to you is that you at least try to get some of the kind of time you need.  No matter how much your other half may enjoy the company, you should be able to manage at least a few evenings of 'just the family'.  It may not solve the problem altogether.  But it's sure to be of some help.

Buona fortuna {Good luck}, Gola.

*******       *******

Dear Gola,
Here's the problem.  My husband is a faculty member at a local college, so, of course, we get together with his colleagues, sometimes at our home and sometimes elsewhere.  But whenever we do, he disappears with the husband and I'm left stranded with the wife.  Does he have to abandon me every time we go visiting?
Signed, Ditched in Middlebury.

Dear Ditched,
It's a puzzling thing, isn't it?  Here we have two guys who work together all week long, probably attend meetings together, grab coffee here and there.  And yet, when they want a stretch of time with a colleague off campus, they feel compelled to drag their wives along.  {I'd be curious to know if the same holds true for women on the faculty.}

You have to know you're not alone, though that's probably no help.  But maybe this might be:

The next time this happens, feel things out with the other woman.  If it seems possible, you might even broach this very subject, since your sentiments are likely to be more common than you might suspect.  If the conversation gets the green light, just relax and enjoy it.  Why?

Well, for the obvious reason.  But more than that, if the two of you hit it off and especially if you begin to genuinely laugh in one another's company, there's nothing more likely, more quickly to get your husbands back in the room.  Of course, by that point, you may not want them there.

Buona fortuna {Good luck}, Gola.

                                                *******       *******

Gola di Montagni prefers to live a relatively anonymous life in the mountains around Bristol.  Gola is not a licensed therapist or similar practitioner.  Of Italian descent, Gola simply offers advice to those who seek it, out of more than 50 years of life experience.

Gola also wants readers to know that "Gola is not infallible."  In fact, one of Gola's favorite quotes says:  "If experience always led to wisdom, there would be no such thing as an old fool, which is a contradiction of experience."  Of course, Gola's advice is always thoughtful, and it is always given in the hope of helping.  But those who write the letters must always weigh Gola's advice against their own experience and judgment.

                                                *******       *******

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