...  Ask Gola  ...
Advice from Gola di Montagni

Are your kids driving you crazy?
Are you struggling in your marriage or relationship?
Feeling guilty about something?
Having a problem with a teacher or a student? 
Not sure of the right thing to do?

Well ...  DownStreet can help {maybe}.

DownStreet magazine is pleased to be able to offer a valuable and free service to our readers: Ask Gola.  ...  Gola di Montagni has graciously offered to answer readers' questions, readers like you.  She knows that, especially these days, we all need all the help we can get.

So, without further ado ...

Ask Gola ...
[If you have a question for Gola, e-mail her at askgola@downstreetmagazine.com.]

Dear Gola,
My husband and I have been together for ten years. We have a loving relationship and would do anything for each other. We have one problem, though. Both of us insist on having the last word. This may sound silly, but once a disagreement starts, neither of us can let go and we sometimes argue for hours rather than let the other person have the final word. Both of us are headstrong and stubborn. How can we fight less without feeling like we’re "giving in"?
Signed, battle-fatigued.

Dear Battle-Fatigued,
Strangely enough, when two "headstrong & stubborn" people get together, it can often make for a close-knit family, since they  have the tenacity to do what it takes when it comes to lots of life's trials & tribulations.  But that's the outside world.  When that same kind of won't-let-go energy comes out in an argument at home ... watch out.

My heart goes out to you and your husband both.  The situation you describe must make for some pretty unpleasant exchanges.  Understandably, the arguments leave you both feeling more than a little weary, and, sometimes, in the heat of things, you're probably wondering if the two of you will make it.  I'd wager, too, that both of you are pretty good at apologizing for the small things, but have a difficult time of it when it comes to the more serious lapses.  The potentially good news here, though, is that you're not making it all his fault.  If he recognizes that it's both of you, too, then both of you may be more than half way to a solution.

What is the solution?  Neither you nor your husband may like it, but you said you "would do anything for each other."  If that's true on both sides, then the solution may be more simple than either of you want to hear:  Instead of trying to avoid feeling like you're giving in, do it!  Give in once in a while.  My guess is that the stuff of most of your arguments is far from life & death matters.  In fact, they probably seem pretty silly in retrospect, if you can even remember what they were about.  Beyond that?  A little laughter, especially at oneself, can also be a great help.
Buona fortuna {Good luck}, Gola.

Dear Gola,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. He is very kind and generous and I hate to complain about small things. He loves to give gifts, which is wonderful.  But he has this habit of giving the same gift to me as he gives to his mom. The gifts are always beautiful, so I don’t have the heart to tell him that a woman wants her lover’s gifts to say she is unique -- in a category all her own. Gola, am I being petty?
Signed, Lucky in Love.

Dear Lucky,
It's an old saying that most men look for their moms in a mate.  It sounds to me like you've got hold of one.  {Believe me.  Being Italian, I know what I'm talking about.  The men, of course, would disagree.  They have to, otherwise things could get very strange in the bedroom.}  What the old adage doesn't tell us, however, is this:  What happens when they find what they're looking for? 

You have to realize, Lucky, that there are going to be some women out there who wish they had your problem:  a boyfriend who is "kind and generous," and who "loves to give gifts" which are "always beautiful."  But I'm assuming from what you describe that these gifts are pretty unmistakably "the same."  If that's so, then you have a pretty tough row to hoe.  Why?  Because your situation presents a double whammy.

First of all, there's your boyfriend's apparent confusion between you and his mom.  Almost always, there's at least some confusion here for each partner in a couple.  {Let's face it, many women also look for their fathers in their mates.}  But the task for all of us is to be able to distinguish between the two.  It makes for a whole lot less confusion.  And besides, the real task in any relationship is to see the other person for the truly unique individual he or she is.  So if your boyfriend is giving you and his mom identical gifts, he may not be the taskmaster with himself that he needs to be.

The second problem here is that we're talking about gifts.  And even though, as children, we were taught to graciously accept all gifts in the spirit in which they were given, when we receive a gift, especially from a boyfriend or a husband, we need to know that there's more than generosity behind it.  We also need to know that they 'know' us.  So having to hint around, or even worse, having to instruct him can take away from the best part of the gift, leaving you with nothing more than simply another object in your possession.

What's the solution?  There's no easy answer here.  So I wish had something more to offer.  But my suggestion is to maybe go shopping with your boyfriend when he's buying gifts for his mom.  If you do, he may be less likely to buy the same thing for the two of you, especially if he's something of an impulse buyer.  Going shopping with him at those times might accomplish something else, too.  It might give you the opportunity to talk with him about his mom in a matter-of-fact way, which might help the both of you to understand his relationship with her that much better.
Buona fortuna, Gola.

                                                *******       *******

Gola di Montagni prefers to live a relatively anonymous life in the mountains around Bristol.  Gola is not a licensed therapist or similar practitioner.  Of Italian descent, Gola simply offers advice to those who seek it, out of more than 50 years of life experience.

Gola also wants readers to know that "Gola is not infallible."  In fact, one of Gola's favorite quotes says:  "If experience always led to wisdom, there would be no such thing as an old fool, which is a contradiction of experience."  Of course, Gola's advice is always thoughtful, and it is always given in the hope of helping.  But those who write the letters must always weigh Gola's advice against their own experience and judgment.

                                                *******       *******

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